What I am afraid of......

I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid that if I start something with you beyond where we are, I will never want to stop.
I am afraid that once it goes that far that I cannot take it back.
I am afraid of being naked in front of you.
I am afraid of unrealistic expectation that would eventually turn into a hell all of its own.
I am afraid of knowing what I do not know.
I am afraid of turning fantasy into a reality and then when it ends I will know what I am missing.  As long as it is just fantasy I really don't know exactly "what" I am missing, only that I a missing "something."
I am afraid of being a disappointment to you, not meeting your expectations.
I am afraid that underneath all of "this" there is a real person with real feelings and insecurities.
I am afraid of the guilt.

Gone out of reach....Humph!

So I am really bothered by the fact that my phone a friend/ potential Master is off on vacation and "out of cell service".  So I asked for a task to help me feel "connected" and prevent me from getting "weirdly insecure."  I know, I know I am sounding stupid, we have no commitment to each other but we do have some sort of contact most every day.  Chatting about various things, some smut some just plain ole daily happenings.
His response was the following:
  "Each day you will take a picture in your panties and each day you will include more of your body in the photo.  Also each day you will tell me a reason why you deserve 10 extra hand spanks."
My response: Thank you!
My text this morning: I deserve 10 extra hand spanks because I deleted ten other pictures before settling on this one.

Independence Day Surprise!

Just when I think things are going stale in the bedroom HB comes out with all kinds of Kinky Fuckery this morning.  I woke up to being tied, spanked, kissed, flogged, left, and then fucked.  When it was over he let freedom ring!  Happy 4th of July!

Weird!

For some reason my pictures in all of my posts, disappeared.
I have attempted to restore them but in some cases could not remember or find the picture I originally used.  Too weird.

I Saw this and had to write about it.....

Act Bad- There is acting bad as in "naughty girl stuff" which is kind of the basis of TTWD or in my case TTIWID (the things I wish I did) then there is acting badly.  I can sometimes unintentionally become "full of piss and vinegar" which inevitably  leads me to react before I think first.  It is not unusual for me too feel bad about my behavior, especially if I know that I have hurt someone with my words, or actions.     I often will catch it as it is coming out and then laugh at myself about how ridiculous I sounded and apologize on the spot which helps the situation especially with people who know that is not how I usually behave or at least not how I mean to behave.  This is where I welcome being called out and accountable. This is where I could use some proper motivation to think before I act and not be so impulsive or selfish with my actions.  Spank! Spank!

Look Sexy- Feeling sexy some what more likely, but accepting that I look sexy in anyway is difficult to buy.  One of the rules that my potential play partner has is "You must always remember how pleased Master is when you think of yourself as sexy and showing off your assets. No tolerance of self disparity will be allowed." This is a rule that will most definitely get me into trouble until I am able to change my self image issues.  Feeling sexy comes easier because when I take the physical appearance out of the equation it becomes more about attitude.  Being sexy, feeling sexy, feeding off other peoples reactions, and trusting that what others see in me is different than what I see.   Not everyone can look like the beautiful woman in the picture above, but they can feel like her.

Talk Dirty- I have a hard time verbally expressing sexual things.  I am very careful and it takes a lot of work to express it in my writing.  It has been easier to write it for like minded people but I have never been one to talk openly about sex prior to this.  But when I hear it, I have a very pleasant physical reaction.  My "girlie parts" get all excited.  Talk dirty to me!

Six month update......

I wrote this as my very first post just about 6 months ago.

Saturday, December 14, 2013
Restless, anxious, and needy.
I have been looking at other's blogs, I am so envious about the things I am reading, I have an ache for that missing something.

Nothing has really changed.  When I look at my other posts they pretty much say the same things only in a different way.  

I am no closer to getting the things I need than I was before. 

I don't like to be a whiner.  It is so great reading others stories, and so many of them start out the same way as I and have made progress.  Some in their primary relationships and others outside of them.  Believe me I have thought of all of the options I just have been unable to move in either direction.   

I have enjoyed outside conversations with a particular person and those conversations have been really exciting and very enticing  in many ways.  Without a doubt this person could provide me with a big piece of what I am looking for.  I also have to say it has been nice to think that he sees me as desirable to him. ( I have a hard time believing it which makes it difficult to write).   I do not have the confidence and it is hard to trust others words but there has been enough "adult talk" and flirting to make me suspect that he could/would fulfill many of my desires.

There is a reason there are 2,404 members on the group "BDSM outside the Marriage" on Fet.  Just saying.

I follow a couple of people that have both relationships at home and abroad so to speak but they all know about each other.  That would not fly here in my situation.
It is hard to explain just how "this" is not about that part of me.  I have invited him to explore that part and he has a little bit, but it truly is not him.   I do not love him less because of it, but he would love me less for saying that it is just not enough.   A couple playful cracks on the ass is not doing it.

There has been no rush or push to change things for now, but it does not mean I do not contemplate further action.  I look forward to the messages and the conversations everyday, both vanilla talk and hot sexy talk.

I remember a great lesson I learned about being lost in the woods.  Just sit down and don't move.  That may be what I need to do for now.

Direction-ally Challenged- (no map will do)

So it is no secret that Needy T is derived from my email address needyforinstruction@gmail.com and my first initial. I am not needy and desperate, or even as Webster Dictionary suggests poverty stricken or marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support, emotionally needy. OKAY SO MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF THE LATTER.

Most importantly, back to my original thought, I have been needy for instruction, direction, and proper motivation to be better, do better and feel better.

I am what I would call direction-ally challenged.....