Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Catching my Breath, Catching my Reflection and Ending the year....

I am so embarrassed, I open my blog for the first time in a very long time and it opens up to Flash fiction...Daddy's little whore.   Wow!  So time for a catch up on a whole "lotta Nuttin Much" and yet a lot had kinda happened.

 Merry Christmas and Happy New year!  

I do not know where to start.  It feels like no better time than the present to recap and end the year reflecting and hoping for clarity in the coming year.
I first want to say thank you for all of the people I follow in Blogland for sharing and caring and for my few who follow me.  It is a comfort to know that I am not alone in what I call the Abyss.  

So to begin with My blog is just over a year old!  Wow!
It started out with a simple post: December 12, 2014
Restless, anxious, and needy.
I have been looking at other's blogs, I am so envious about the things I am reading, I have an ache for that missing something.
I then expressed much more ups and downs, hopes and disappointments and continued to share from others and myself.  As I reflect I have gone back to look at things and I chose to read the following because a friend of mine read that and said he related to it.  So I thought I would re-read and see what do I relate to if anything from that post.

Clear as Mud:  Flatline
Does it matter if we don't fit under any title like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc? Do we have to be titled/labeled? If the answer is no, then why do I keep thinking about it?
Does it matter that I'm not getting punished? If things are better than what they were, does any of this post matter?
Is this me not being grateful? I don't want to be the person who is never happy, who constantly complains about something - anything - everything! I am happy. I'm a happy person. Maybe I'm just tired, tired of thinking and analyzing.
In my case I think the whole article still stands and rings true and I suppose I would have to rework it a little to describe where I am now.  This is what I think I could say instead:
 Does it matter if I have not found the right person to help label what I am looking for like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc?  Do I still need this title or label or person at all?  Why do I still think about it, what does it matter if it does not or will not happen? Am I not grateful for what it is I do have?   I do not want to be the person always searching, and who is never happy, complaining about something, anything and everything.  I am happy.  I'm a happy person.  I am tired of thinking, hoping and analyzing.
And the A to Z challenge!  That was quite the challenge but speaks so much about who I am.  I definitely look forward to participating again this next year.

And even though I can still say I am "Direction-ally Challenged- (no map will do)" I have to say that along the way this year I have learned much about myself.  I have been hurt by some of it.

My First play marked a very definite risk that I chose to take and although it was a pleasant experience for me at the time, it was the last time that I had physical contact and he ended our contact shortly after that with a "I do not think I can meet your needs."   Let me just say this was not a surprise, it took him weeks to respond to my texts and attempts to chat and early on he made it clear that we were "play partners".   I thought that I could just live with that and actually thought it was working but he did not.  He lives alone and does not have a life partner there may be a reason for that.   It must be how he wants it.   What I learned, I need the more than play partner, I am not looking for a life partner, I have one.  It is still more than the barbie doll interaction that I experienced I think it is not realistic to just put me on a shelf and bring me out to play once in a while.  I want that daily or weekly interaction.  All explained in my post titled Still learning what it is I am looking for:
Yes,  I am still learning what it is I am looking for.
I am thinking that I cannot just be a play partner...I need the more, the daily expectations and specific abc 's of D that go with everyday life of a sub.  I realize that it is not just getting spanked or having kinky play that I am looking for, I need the meaning, and substance behind the actions.
....I need the daily calls or check-in asking did you do ABC?  Why not?  or Good Girl.  Tell me how did you do with ---  by the way you have until --- to do --- and send me --- to prove it is done.
I do not want to feel like I am a bother, rather I want to feel like He gets satisfaction out of seeing me excel in everything that I do.  That this is something that He wants not just like He is doing me a favor.
I realize that it takes time, dedication, imagination, and a commitment, but that is what is being asked of me....isn't it?
I am not able to be with Him all the time,  it is important to be able to just know He is there, and that He is in control no matter how long it has been since we were last together, no matter when the next time will be.
I need the protocol to be about what He feels I need based on the things that are important to me.
Serving Him in a way that also serves me in the process.
And then there are others that I have spent a significant amount of time with, getting to know and being vulnerable to,  all for it not to work, for some reason or other.  I have heard from all types and ages and believe me the 30 year olds who just want to experience someone with experience sounds good....but only for one thing.  I need the Dom not the quick delivery service.     I have learned not to get physical because that really does mean something, but emotionally it is still very difficult to go through the same line of questioning, open up, be vulnerable, send pictures as requested, perform tasks and send proof you did it to find out that this is a quest that may not be worth it.  this is what seems like a game to others but very real to me.  

 Yes I know some of this is new information, I have not blogged about my every move in this quest and perhaps in part because I feel stupid but also because I doubt the significance of my blog at times.  I know that sometimes I think that if I just focus elsewhere and stop putting so much emphasis on this maybe it will go away?  

 I get some feedback or comments which are very helpful.  So I look back from the beginning, and now I have to ask myself, where do I go from here?  Do I answer more questions, and try try again, and seek solace in my blog-land friends?  Do I turn my back on what I have identified as a missing link to feeling safe and there still a storm lying within lying and waiting and slowly brewing inside.  If so do I dare to let it build up its mighty powerful wrath?  Or is this just the same Abyss that I have come to know?  
Waiting..... I am getting really good at it.
Not really.  (Better but not good)
It does not matter the type of messages I send, filled with seduction, or  plain vanilla. (maybe too much vanilla)
Constantly looking at my phone, or check my email in case I missed something.
I still just wait.
It is required, because I know so little of you. (not sure you really exist)
It's like some invisible life line, I have been looking for one for a little while.
Like I am floating in the water and I reach for the line, the one you threw out... (maybe its imagined) but it slowly drifts out of my reach.
I just need some structure to this.
I need not let this fall deep into the abyss.  (Maybe I am already there)
Love to everyone who is following and to those that are new! 
See you all in the New Year!~ Needy T