Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A to Z Challenge the finishing post! Z is for Zero Panties in the Garden!

In light of the A to Z challenge I thought I should attempt to catch up and add to my post every day...So I have decided to post about my frisky personality....I will be adding to the new letter but as I think of previous letters I will add to my list.  However I will not add to the new letters until the appropriate day.

A is for Artistic- I could not survive life without my Artistic capabilities.  
               Attention- I like to get a fair Amount of Attention.

B is for Bratty- I have a tendency to be Bratty sometimes when I need some attention or I am frustrated with some unforeseen disappointment.  I do not always react well to frustration.   

C is for Caring- I have a very big heart and Care about everyone I interact with.
              Complicated- There are many layers to the real me.

D is for Driven- I am very Driven sometimes without Direction but because of my need to be more I continue to try and get somewhere.  
               Direct- Sometimes too Direct for my own good.
               Discipline is totally lacking in my relationship with Home Boss.

E is for Exploring- It is one of the most consistent thing I have done my whole life. Exploring who or what I am and where I belong and fit in.
               Exposing- Exposing myself to others hoping for acceptance.

F is for Female- I am Female, I cry when I am hurt or mad, happy or sad.  I am emotional and yet strong.  I can rally courage and stand Firm when needed, I am soft and nurturing, I am definitely Female.
              Freedom- I love the Freedom to express myself even if cloaked by a blog. 
              Frisky- I am definitely Frisky and ready to play.
              Flogger- one of my Favorite toys.

G is for Grateful- I am grateful for the life I have, the children I have been blessed with and the people that have come and gone in my life.  I am grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am and the opportunity to turn them into positive things.
              Gardening- I am so grateful that I get to go out to the garden and get my hands dirty and prepare for the growing season! 

H is for Hopeful, Helpful and Honorable
               Hesitant- I am hesitant to post about sexual things or really personal things afraid that people will judge who I really am. So with that being said I have to say Horny as well.
               Home Boss- not sure how I could forget about him.

I is for Instruction- which is needed very much as evident by my inner brat that likes to come out.

J is for Juggling- It seems like I am always Juggling, time, money, and energy!

K is for Kilt- I am always interested in what is under a Kilt!
              Kept- I like the support and security of being Kept, safe Keeping.
              Kissing- It starts and sometimes ends with a Kiss!

L is for Lover- I am a Lover.
              Licking- need I say any more?

M is for Masturbation...now you have to know that I tried to get out of writing this, however when I asked HB to help me come up with an M word for my blog (that he does not read by the way) that is what he came up.  I told him I cannot even say it let alone write about it.  And the only thing I have to say about that is it took me 19 years and 5 months to do this in front of HB.  

N is for Needy- as my handle describes.  Needy is more than just wanting attention, it really is about Needing instruction or direction as my email reflects.  I am lacking in self discipline, I am late to work most days, I am a bit of a procrastinator, I am impulsive and I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of myself or others which results in my being frustrated or disappointed. (both of which I do Not always handle well)
It either shows itself up in the way of stress, body aches and pain, anxiety physical  and emotional illness or just plain ole disrespect and defiance.   At this point in my relationship I have expressed these things and attempted to get this Need met but it is a difficult concept to express and very difficult to get another person to understand.   I have shared blog posts, which have not always been read or gets lost in the shuffle, leaving me feeling like there is something wrong with me that I am asking for something so outrageous or like it is too much to ask.  

O is for Obstacles- there are many Obstacles that get in the way of who we want to be.  It can be difficult to remove all Obstacles and take time to reflect on how to bring out the best in yourself.  As a matter of fact it is easier short term to allow those Obstacles to get in the way of seeing where we need to make changes and challenge yourself to strive for better.  Long term it stifles growth.  

P is for Possibilities- the Possibilities are endless in this world of TTWD.
              Penis the best at Penetration. (two for one)
              Protection- I feel safe and Protected by HB.

Q is for Quiet- It is important to get Quiet sometimes to make time for reflection.  My mind is always racing, and sometimes seems to never turn off.   Quietly Questioning....

R is for Routine- funny thing about routine, it seems that it is too easy to fall into Routine and feel like something is missing but the other side to that coin is no Routine and then we feel amiss.  Routine can be both good and bad.  It seems that there are Routines, and Rules that need to be in place to keep things sane and Running smoothly.  And then there are Routines that begin to feel like Ruts we get stuck in.  The  Ruts of life can give us a feeling of comfort, familiarity, and it gives us a place to Re-align ourselves.  Routine gives us some form of order but most of us crave a little chaos to bring about order.    

S is for -4/07/2014 cannot wait to get to the S's- 07/26/2014 Oh my I have to Skip a day before we get to the S's since we don't post on Sunday in this Challenge.

S is for Submissive- I have always had this war going on inside of me that battles my willing Submissive with willful opposition.  It is just recently that I have recognized the  need to have Someone take control of this battle.   It is unfortunate that I am Still  Struggling with the who in this Scenario as my HB is not really comfortable with picking up this role outside of the bedroom.  It Seems that this is really pretty common though and I am hopeful that this will Somehow resolve itself with time and knowledge and communication.  
             Significant- It is my desire to be Significant to another.  I want to feel Significant in some way at all times. I want to know that the person who is in charge of meeting this need takes my best interest to heart. Showing me that what is best for me is Significant enough to take the time to hold me accountable for the agreements that have been made between us.  My desire is to be Significant enough for you to take notice, make a daily connection, communicate and take the time to See me.
             Sexual, Sensual and Sexy!  That is how I See myself when I am not looking in the mirror. 

T is for Tina- I know that is cheating.  I will have to Try to do better.
               Tuneup- Tina needs a Tuneup from Time To Time.
               Tension- Constant Tension building and building.  I feel it everywhere, my Jaw, neck, shoulders, and down my spine. 

U is for Understanding- It is a challenge right now to have full Understanding of the need for TTWD, or in my case The Things I Would Like to Do.  So if I have little understanding about what, when, how, and why I want or need these lifestyle changes.  So in is no wonder why I have a hard time getting someone else to fill the bill.    I have a hard time communicating these desires, so verbal communication is out.  So I rely on the writings of others and then add some of my own words.  Thanks to the blogs that I follow and the things that they so eloquently share I can better Understand more about myself, and attempt to share that with others.    

V is for Vulnerability- Even when we open up to others who seems to have an understanding we are vulnerable to others judgement and rejection.  I have limited experience with this I have only opened up to a couple of others, besides what people can read on my blog.  I feel like some of the little experience I have had with this has at times  left me wondering why I opened up to begin with.  I have had some positive interactions though and I suppose that is why I continue to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable.  I also realize that this is just the beginning and when I learn to accept myself fully then maybe others will also be able to.  

W is for What if- I woke up this morning with lots of What ifs.  I helped my best friend of 30 years move today, she is moving across the US and I thought What if I never see her again?  This was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time.  She has been my mentor, I met her right after I turned 17 and married my first husband.  She taught me how to be an independent, strong women.  She encouraged my artistic and creative self.   She also believed in my ability to be a mother far more than I believed in myself.  
Another What if came to mind at some point today.  What if I never find the Dominate relationship in my HB that I have been looking for?  What if I need to look elsewhere.  What are the options?  How do I keep true to me when my values contradict and conflict with my needs. 
What if?

X is for eXample-  I need an eXample to follow.  I need to live up to agreements and eXpectations.   I feel like I am aimlessly wandering sometimes.  I know that this sounds like a broken record but I see it as a flowing stream with the same elements at the beginning of the stream at as at the end.  This is how I know that what I feel I need is really true, it does not waiver, the elements may be arranged different throughout but they are still the same elements.  The same need for an eXample to follow.  The need to be reigned in.  

Y -  I had to consult the “Dictionary of Sexual Terms” for this one.  I could not get past Yes.   But in there I found the following that I thought was interesting.
 Yes-Girl:  A sexually obliging woman, one who seldom or never says 'no'.  Definitely!
YKINOK:  Internet shorthand on BDSM sites and newsgroups for Your Kink Is Not OK.   Interesting, something I did not know.
Yield one's favors:   Regarding Sexual intercourse.  Favors (granted, bestowed, lavished upon, yielded). 
I think that this is my favorite.  It describes how I want to be.  Granting my favors, as if it is a gift.  Yielding to another person that which is favored.   Yielding to another person takes a huge amount of trust, which is not easy for me personally.  Sometime when I do yield it does not take long before take it back. 
Bestowed and lavished upon seems so romantic doesn't it?  

Z is for Zero- as in it's a Zero panties in the Garden kind of day!  I could not wait to get home today, it has been so very nice out and I was looking forward to being free from the clothes that I wore to work and changing into a skirt and light summer blouse so that I could walk through the garden with no bra or panties on. 
                Totally free and un-inhibited....Freedom!   

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Definition: Sub-Tease

Sub-Tease is usually a conversation or just a simple sentence that starts or ends with "if you were mine....", "If I owned you..." or "If you belonged to me" or something the like and usually follows up with some sort of threat of punishment due to some unapproved behavior.

For example:  I was talking about my daily task to a Dom in one of my chats.  He asked if I had performed my task that morning and his response was the following:  

Dom: That is not acceptable, Needy. You know it.

me: Yes but in my defense he had sex last night.

Dom: And your point is what?  It is not your decision, girl, if you perform the task or not. 

me: Well in a way it is....he finished up in a place I won't go afterward. 

(Now I am really embarrassed.")

Dom: Explain, Needy. 

me:  Omg....plain English...he came in my ass! (more embarrassment)

Dom: I see. Then you either wash off his cock before sucking him off or jerk him off, girl. Again, his decision not yours. 

me:  Way to watch out for him.

Dom: Watch your mouth, girl.   "if your were mine"   I wouldn't tolerate such. Rest assured if you didn't complete a task I gave without permission or a damn good reason then you'd be punished. 

So you see what I am talking about a sub-tease? Just the first couple words "Watch your mouth, girl"  gets a physical reaction that starts with my jaw and travels the length of my spine and ends at my "Girl-ie" parts.  My nipples get hard and I instantly get wet panties.  I have to squeeze my legs together in order to stop the sensations.  Hard to believe its just that easy.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Almost over...only two days left.

So the A to Z Challenge has been a very useful and inspiring exercise.  I loved making the effort to share everyday and it is a bit sad that it is coming to an end!  Thank you to the others who shared and commented!  I hope that I will hear more from all of you soon!  It is my hope to come up with a Meme of my own.  I am not very good at this blogging stuff, not sure how to set certain things up but I am learning.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Body Imagination....

    So in my mind, I still see myself as thinner.  Not necessarily as the thinnest I have ever been, I am not delusional.  So when I look in the mirror,  go clothes shopping or take pictures it is always disappointment that grabs a hold in my gut.
This is not new to me, it is not that I have only felt this way since I gained weight  I have been struggling with body image my whole life.  It began as a teenager when I was 98 lbs. soaking wet.  It followed me into my first marriage re-enforced by my ex-husbands criticisms and through the birth of my children.  Even though by no means was I considered large or overweight by any stretch of the imagination.  I hated my bubble butt, flat chest(as a teen)  and big feet, my brown eyes, my straight, flat brown hair, wow the list just goes on.  Throughout all of the changes that my body went through to get here,  I have continued to be the worst critic of all.  Now I have larger breasts, just not exactly exactly where I want them to be,  HB lovingly call them smart boobies because if you ask them where the floor is they point to it. My skin is darker, and getting thinner and starting to wrinkle, my big beautiful brown eyes (yes I at some point forgave myself for not having blue eyes) a little droopy on the edges, like everything else.  I still have my big butt and big feet, (no way around that)  but my stomach and my thighs are huge issues for me (also I suppose attributed to middle age).

    The difficult thing to understand for me is that I have great appreciation for other women with the same body shapes and sizes.  I see the beauty in them, I am able to see past the same flaws that I hold against myself.   I see the beauty in older women, and it amazes me.

    I have recently started to try to come to terms with all of these things, I feel sexy inside my head, and when I am in the bedroom alone (in the dark, without mirrors).  I have been taking pictures of myself in different stages of undress and cropping pictures to accentuate better slices of my image because as a whole I do not see the same beauty in me that I see in others.  At some point I would like to be able to share them but I am not there yet.


Sunday, April 13, 2014

None for you!

None for you, it is a popular phrase in my world.  HB says it all of the time, I think it is his way of making me think he is just depriving me but I suspect it is partially to give him a physical rest.  Either way it is not nice and it is very frustrating for sure.  I sort of make it a game to say yeah, we'll see about that.  Sometimes I am successful in getting what I want but more times than not it really is none for me.  
But this morning I got the No Sex for you....I have plans for later....  Now that is something I do not ever hear.... Giggle Giggle.