Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Great potetial but did not work out with his wife: Laying the foundation....

This was really the best potential for a Daddy/Dom relationship for me but unfortunately his life partner and sub was not able to get over the jealousy, he would pay hell every time he would make contact with me which at first was quite a few times a day since he started out with me needing to tell him every time I had to pee.  Which weirdly became quite often since having to report it every time.  I was the weirdest experience since I had to kind of plan ahead.  The deal was that I would ask if I could pee and he would answer.  If he did not answer within 10  minutes I could just go.  I did get in trouble a couple of times for forgetting.
The wife was involved, we even met for lunch a couple of times and talked many times about "our Dom" but the overall assessment of it from my side was that she was not feeling fulfilled and secure with their relationship and so a third was just not going to work.  Her words did not match her actions.  We actually had a pretty good potential to be good friends as well.  We have a lot of the same vanilla interests. 
  So unfortunately I am still periodically in contact with this person but we are not able to carry on with a D/s  relationship.  but the following was the basic beginning rules that he established.  

Boss:  Following the rules and guidelines will bring rewards and happiness to your life and in turn will make you responsible for your own happiness.  Alternatively, not following them will bring sadness and punishment.  The end results therefor are your own.  Understand?

lil slut:  Yes.

Boss:  Remember this as you may be asked to know and repeat if asked....
Don't think- just do!
Don't hesitate - just do!
Don't Question- just do!

lil slut:  Okay.

Boss:  Learning to be the best slut takes time.  Takes discipline and takes willingness to learn about how to better your self for me.

lil slut:  Okay.

Boss:  You will advise me of your clothing choices for the day and at any time you change them so I may monitor your choices.

Boss:  You will advise me of your meals and snacks again so I may monitor your meals and choices....

 Boss:  You will advise me when you shower or bathe as well.

lil slut:  Okay...but I am about to eat some soup I have not eaten today....

Boss:  You will inform me of all your daily activities, especially when you leave to go someplace and when you return. 

lil slut:  I have to tell you when I leave my house and when I return. 

Boss:   Not just your house, your work, home or anywhere else you go.  And then when you are leaving to return from your trip. 

lil slut:  Okay.

Boss:  You must now from this time forward  ask me for permission  to go on to fetlife...accepting friendships on fetlife.

lil slut:  Okay...but what about my blog?

Boss:  I would like to see you continue with your blog daily if at all possible.

Boss:  Your sexual and bodily needs are now under my control...you must ask permission  before having sex or masturbation and you must perform if instructed as well...you must ask permission to orgasm as well.

lil slut:  So just for clarification:  I have to ask permission to have sex with my husband?  What if I did not have a chance to ask and he wants sex.  I have never denied him sex ever.

Boss:  Asking permission only if you initiate....never deny if he wants....but you must report to me ALL DETAILS of the encounter.

Boss:  This is a big one.... You may no longer urinate without my permission...if you ask for permission and I am unable to answer within 10 min. you may then relieve yourself...bowel movements are not included.

lil slut:  OMG really....

Boss:  Told you it was a big one...but for me...an important discipline one...

lil slut: Fine

lil slut:  Can I at least have the first one or middle of the night one without asking?

Boss:  Yes...that's a reasonable compromise for now.
Boss:  Actually the first one is most common so that has to stay in place...

lil slut:  It would raise suspicion with him if he notices.

Boss:  There is the 10 min. guideline for any communication issues. Missing one now and again due to suspicious spouses will be taken into consideration....

lil slut:  Ok I will do my best.

Boss:  I'm not oblivious to your situation and will consider it at all times as I would expect you to do the same for mine....its all about that balance.

lil slut:  Okay.

Boss:  that's the gist of it for now....there is a lot more to come and it will get a lot harder... we can discuss the penalty portion a little later.

Boss:  any questions or concerns or just thoughts before I go?

lil slut:  No I will just think for a bit.

Boss:  Have a good day my lil slut....I'll be thinking of you.....

lil slut:  Ty.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

So I am typing this on my phone so we will see how it goes.  I have been struggling for months with trying to find a Dom to really connect with.  So far I have had several initial claims of interest and all flaked out for one reason or other.  I do not know where you all...I sincerely concider you all my great mentors cause I read what many of you write and much of it really hits home.....anyway back to my thought.  I do not know where you all got your Dom but you are all very lucky in deed.  I am so discouraged right now I cannot even fully put it into words.   I realize most of you have Dom partners that are life partners and that I fear is the key.....I do not have that option.  My life partner is just not that person.  On the other hand I keep asking myself why isn't that relationship enough. Why do I want someone to Dom me so badly?  So bad that I would risk everything I currently have.  It does not make sense.  I have had some interesting interactions, with some interesting characters, in my attempts to find someone who could fulfill this need... let me tell you.  It really has been one after another starting out strong..saying some of the right things and bam they disappear.  Only a couple have the balls to tell me that what I am looking for is not what they are looking for.  But overall I think what many of them are looking for is a sex delivery service.  The Dom seems to be present when it comes to how I can accommodate them but no real thought about my safety, well being, or how they can help me be the best I can be.  For them blow jobs and  anal fucking seems to be the bottom line.  When I hear those things I have to stop and think about the real reasons they are making a connection with me.  Some of these men...okay most of them have very tender egos.   Those seem to really get their nickers bunched if you say the wrong thing....it certainly is not an easy endeavor finding that special person who can put their ego aside and can lead you in a way that makes you want to be a better person.  I do not want to give up...I just have little faith.....

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Nice to know....New beginings ahead!

It is nice to know many of my fellow bloggers had been just as busy and remiss in there writings..... It just took me three days to catch up on all of the blog's I usually keep up with and it seems I did not miss too much!  Whew...... I will say that I found some very helpful shares and it has gotten me thinking again.

I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was unsure about my direction and asked myself these questions:     "Do I turn my back on what I have identified as a missing link to feeling safe and steady......is there still a storm lying within lying and waiting and slowly brewing inside?"

I have been thinking and reading and reflecting and the answer is no I am not ready to turn my back on this journey.  It is not just going to go away, I am still interested in finding my way through it.   I do not know what that will look like but it is important for me to be true to myself.  A friend of mine said that he thinks I am still learning who I truly am inside and trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily life.  That is very true....I am trying to find the balance as another friend often reminds me is needed in this endeavor.  These are not new concept for anyone living the TTWD, D/s lifestyle regardless of the particular players involved or the variety of circumstances.  All relationships regardless of type needs balance. 

I believe the storm is definitely still brewing.   An exciting and energizing storm....  I am looking forward to a new year full of challenges and discoveries and taking a leap of faith.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Catching my Breath, Catching my Reflection and Ending the year....

I am so embarrassed, I open my blog for the first time in a very long time and it opens up to Flash fiction...Daddy's little whore.   Wow!  So time for a catch up on a whole "lotta Nuttin Much" and yet a lot had kinda happened.

 Merry Christmas and Happy New year!  

I do not know where to start.  It feels like no better time than the present to recap and end the year reflecting and hoping for clarity in the coming year.
I first want to say thank you for all of the people I follow in Blogland for sharing and caring and for my few who follow me.  It is a comfort to know that I am not alone in what I call the Abyss.  

So to begin with My blog is just over a year old!  Wow!
It started out with a simple post: December 12, 2014
Restless, anxious, and needy.
I have been looking at other's blogs, I am so envious about the things I am reading, I have an ache for that missing something.
I then expressed much more ups and downs, hopes and disappointments and continued to share from others and myself.  As I reflect I have gone back to look at things and I chose to read the following because a friend of mine read that and said he related to it.  So I thought I would re-read and see what do I relate to if anything from that post.

Clear as Mud:  Flatline
Does it matter if we don't fit under any title like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc? Do we have to be titled/labeled? If the answer is no, then why do I keep thinking about it?
Does it matter that I'm not getting punished? If things are better than what they were, does any of this post matter?
Is this me not being grateful? I don't want to be the person who is never happy, who constantly complains about something - anything - everything! I am happy. I'm a happy person. Maybe I'm just tired, tired of thinking and analyzing.
In my case I think the whole article still stands and rings true and I suppose I would have to rework it a little to describe where I am now.  This is what I think I could say instead:
 Does it matter if I have not found the right person to help label what I am looking for like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc?  Do I still need this title or label or person at all?  Why do I still think about it, what does it matter if it does not or will not happen? Am I not grateful for what it is I do have?   I do not want to be the person always searching, and who is never happy, complaining about something, anything and everything.  I am happy.  I'm a happy person.  I am tired of thinking, hoping and analyzing.
And the A to Z challenge!  That was quite the challenge but speaks so much about who I am.  I definitely look forward to participating again this next year.

And even though I can still say I am "Direction-ally Challenged- (no map will do)" I have to say that along the way this year I have learned much about myself.  I have been hurt by some of it.

My First play marked a very definite risk that I chose to take and although it was a pleasant experience for me at the time, it was the last time that I had physical contact and he ended our contact shortly after that with a "I do not think I can meet your needs."   Let me just say this was not a surprise, it took him weeks to respond to my texts and attempts to chat and early on he made it clear that we were "play partners".   I thought that I could just live with that and actually thought it was working but he did not.  He lives alone and does not have a life partner there may be a reason for that.   It must be how he wants it.   What I learned, I need the more than play partner, I am not looking for a life partner, I have one.  It is still more than the barbie doll interaction that I experienced I think it is not realistic to just put me on a shelf and bring me out to play once in a while.  I want that daily or weekly interaction.  All explained in my post titled Still learning what it is I am looking for:
Yes,  I am still learning what it is I am looking for.
I am thinking that I cannot just be a play partner...I need the more, the daily expectations and specific abc 's of D that go with everyday life of a sub.  I realize that it is not just getting spanked or having kinky play that I am looking for, I need the meaning, and substance behind the actions.
....I need the daily calls or check-in asking did you do ABC?  Why not?  or Good Girl.  Tell me how did you do with ---  by the way you have until --- to do --- and send me --- to prove it is done.
I do not want to feel like I am a bother, rather I want to feel like He gets satisfaction out of seeing me excel in everything that I do.  That this is something that He wants not just like He is doing me a favor.
I realize that it takes time, dedication, imagination, and a commitment, but that is what is being asked of me....isn't it?
I am not able to be with Him all the time,  it is important to be able to just know He is there, and that He is in control no matter how long it has been since we were last together, no matter when the next time will be.
I need the protocol to be about what He feels I need based on the things that are important to me.
Serving Him in a way that also serves me in the process.
And then there are others that I have spent a significant amount of time with, getting to know and being vulnerable to,  all for it not to work, for some reason or other.  I have heard from all types and ages and believe me the 30 year olds who just want to experience someone with experience sounds good....but only for one thing.  I need the Dom not the quick delivery service.     I have learned not to get physical because that really does mean something, but emotionally it is still very difficult to go through the same line of questioning, open up, be vulnerable, send pictures as requested, perform tasks and send proof you did it to find out that this is a quest that may not be worth it.  this is what seems like a game to others but very real to me.  

 Yes I know some of this is new information, I have not blogged about my every move in this quest and perhaps in part because I feel stupid but also because I doubt the significance of my blog at times.  I know that sometimes I think that if I just focus elsewhere and stop putting so much emphasis on this maybe it will go away?  

 I get some feedback or comments which are very helpful.  So I look back from the beginning, and now I have to ask myself, where do I go from here?  Do I answer more questions, and try try again, and seek solace in my blog-land friends?  Do I turn my back on what I have identified as a missing link to feeling safe and steady......is there still a storm lying within lying and waiting and slowly brewing inside.  If so do I dare to let it build up its mighty powerful wrath?  Or is this just the same Abyss that I have come to know?  
Waiting..... I am getting really good at it.
Not really.  (Better but not good)
It does not matter the type of messages I send, filled with seduction, or  plain vanilla. (maybe too much vanilla)
Constantly looking at my phone, or check my email in case I missed something.
I still just wait.
It is required, because I know so little of you. (not sure you really exist)
It's like some invisible life line, I have been looking for one for a little while.
Like I am floating in the water and I reach for the line, the one you threw out... (maybe its imagined) but it slowly drifts out of my reach.
I just need some structure to this.
I need not let this fall deep into the abyss.  (Maybe I am already there)
Love to everyone who is following and to those that are new! 
See you all in the New Year!~ Needy T 

Monday, November 3, 2014

Flash Fiction: Daddy's lil whore PART 2

Daddy’s lil whore- Part Two
Daddy is still training his lil slut and so it is with a great amount of thought that he will proceed with her when he is using her to serve him.   Daddy tells his little girl that he wants to fill all of her holes so that she knows that they belong to him.  Daddy tells his lil slut to go upstairs to the bedroom and stand by the bed and wait for him. 
When daddy comes in the room his lil slut is waiting for him with her head down, legs spread and hands behind her back.  Daddy has her take the plug out and put it in the washroom and clean up.           
Daddy then tells her to get up on the bed face down and ass in the air.  Daddy has his lil slut spread her ass cheeks and he looks at his property.  He likes what he sees.  He asks his lil slut if she wants Daddy to come inside her ass tonight and she states that she wants him to cum where he wants.  Daddy asks his little slut if she likes it when he cums deep in her ass and lil slut replies I love it when you cum in my ass and use me like a whore Daddy.    Daddy takes out two vibrators, one is fairly large and the other is medium.  He tells his lil slut that we are going to play a game.  Daddy then says that he is going to put one vibe in her ass and one in her pussy.  Her job is to keep them in both while he fucks her face. 
If she drops either out of her ass or her pussy he uses the brush to spank her 25 times.  Lil slut knows this is a setup and that she is going to have some remarkable bruises tomorrow.  The brush is the one thing that lil hates more than anything and she knows that the more she gets turned on, the wetter she will be because she is a huge whore that cannot keep from lusting after cock.  Especially her Daddy’s cock. 
Daddy put the first vibe in her pussy, it was of course the larger of the two and it fit fairly snug.  She closed her legs and clenched really hard so that she would not drop it.  Daddy then put the other vibe in her ass, and it took a lot of concentration for lil to keep the one in her pussy to stay.  Lil was getting excited, and she felt that this was definitely a temporary situation.  Lil Slut then brought her head up and arms out so that she could be ready to receive her Daddy’s cock in her mouth.
Daddy took a hold of her pony tails and started to rhythmically move in and out without a problem.  Lil continued to concentrate on keeping both holes filled and she got to a place where she felt like she had control.  But then Daddy started to get very aggressive with his cock in her mouth and she her concentration was going back and forth from keeping things where they were and breathing through the heavy pounding she was getting in her mouth and at the back of her throat.  She was trying to not bite Sir because this was something that had been drilled into her head but it was so difficult to make that happen.  She felt her pussy getting wetter and wetter, the saliva from her mouth was running down her face, and her ass was starting to throb with the fullness.  Lil Slut was having a hard time, she felt like she might even orgasm which she did not have permission to do.   Lil slut was losing control and Daddy was making good use of his lil whores mouth. 
Lil slut could not tell him that she was losing it, she could not explain how hard she was trying.  She was a whore and there was no excuse for disappointing Daddy.   And with that thought the vibe in her pussy shot out onto the bed and lil slut started to cry.  
Daddy tells his lil slut it is okay, that she will pay the price and it will be over and she can go back to  playing his whore after. 
She is mortified that he is going to be using the hair brush on her, she hates the hair brush and she knows that this is why he chooses to use it.  It is to send a clear message to her about who is in charge and how he is the only one to make these choices. 
Daddy tells his lil slut to put her face back down to the pillow, and to put her hands back and grab her ankles.  Daddy then ties her hands in place and puts a strap around her knees to keep them in place as well.  Daddy thinks of everything.  Daddy explains that this is to help her so that she does not get into trouble not keeping in place. 
Daddy makes good on his promise of 25 spanks with the brush and Lil slut squirms against her bonds and cries out several times.  She earns a couple extra for swearing but Daddy does not make her start over.  Daddy is very merciful at times and Lil Slut is reminded of this often.   When Daddy is done he  sits back and admires his lil sluts ass, all nice and rosie.  He gently strokes her hot ass cheeks and feels the welts that have gathered.  He then asks his lil slut where Daddy should cum and she answers where ever he desires. 
Daddy wastes no time plunging his hard cock in her ass and within minutes he is pumping and cumming inside her deep in her ass.  Daddy then takes off her binds and tells her that he will be expecting her cleaned up and ready for her other punishments in 15 minutes down stairs where it all began. 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Flash Fiction: Daddy's lil whore- PART 1

Daddy’s Little Whore- Part one
Daddy has decided that he is really horny and he has asked his little slut to take care of his needs and to go above and beyond the usual.   She has 30 minutes to prepare herself and come up with a plan to entertain her Daddy and is warned not to disappoint him. 
Lil Girl goes upstairs to get ready and she jumps in the shower and shaves her underarms,  and legs.  Her pussy has been recently waxed but she makes sure it is clean so that Daddy can inspect his lil slut and see that she is being well taken care of.  She then gets out of the shower and oils her pussy and lotions the rest of her body so that she is nice and soft.  First of all Lil Slut decides to have a little fun with Daddy and plan to dress up for him.  She finds herself a matching bra and panty with little bows on it, and she puts her hair up in Pig tails.  She knows her Daddy likes it when she wears pigtails and she matches the bows in her hair with the bows on her under garments. 
Then Lil Slut decides that she is going to bring Daddy his favorite paddle with the little heart cut out along with her punishment list before she is asked because she knows that Daddy likes to clear up any naughty business before playing with his lil slut.  Lil Slut sits at her Daddy’s feet with her legs spread, chest out, ass sitting back on her heels.  She has one hand behind her head and is attempting to hand her Daddy the list and the paddle.  He takes is and asks his little slut what presents she has brought him.  Lil slut explains that she has been a very bad girl and wishes to acknowledge that she needs to do better and that she is ready to receive her punishment in order to not have negativity come between them.
Daddy orders his lil girl to stand in the corner with both hands behind her head , legs spread and knees leaning against the wall with her torso  away from the wall while he reads over the list of punishments.  He also hands her the new plug that he bought for such an occasion and tells her to get it in her ass so that she can wear it for her spanking.    Lil Girl is concerned about the size of the new plug and the fact that she has no lubrication to put it in with.  Lil girl decides that she needs to work quickly because the slightest hesitation could cause Daddy disappointment and in that will most definitely cause more punishment for lil slut.  She pulls down her panties and before sticking the plug in her ass she puts it in her mouth to try and moisten it up enough to help ease it into her tight ass.  Lil girl then turns around so that Daddy can see her and she bends over and places the largest plug she has ever had in her ass while Daddy piers over the list in his hand and then comments that she needs to pull up those panties and get to the corner.
Lil slut is going over in her head what is written on the paper and what comes to mind is that she has been disrespectful, talked back, forgot to ask for permission for many things, did not report many things and touched herself without permission from her Daddy.  She got pulled over for speeding, she left her phone at home and he was not able to get in touch with her for over 3 hours.  All things that he has punished her for before, but she somehow just keeps forgetting.   Daddy always says he does not like to repeat himself.  Lil slut is very worried that he will punish her worse than ever before.  Daddy just does not know what it is like to be a lil slut. 
Daddy calls his lil slut over to him and begins by telling her that he loves and cares deeply for his little girl.  He stated that he has the rules in place to protect her, to keep her safe and to help her be a better person and to show others what a good girl she can be.  When she is not following the rules she is showing him great disrespect and he cannot have that.  Daddy decides that he will spank his little slut for the incidences listed but he is going to do something different.  He is going to give 10 spanks for each one with a different implement for each one.  He gives his lil slut 8 minutes to go upstairs and bring back 9 more implements for the eight things on his list.  He does not want to have to send her back if he is not happy with the implements she has chosen.  This way he has more than enough to choose from.  He also tells her that she will sleep in the corner tonight on her dog bed and she will have no pillow just a sheet and no clothes.  She will also wear her collar and be tethered to the corner eye bolt. 
Lil slut does what she is told, she is afraid to choose the implements but knows that 8 minutes is not long and she does not stop to think on any one item long.  Lil slut picks up a dragon tail, a rope flogger, leather flogger, large round leather paddle, wooden paddle, bamboo salad spoon with slots,  back scratcher and his favorite old standby leather belt.   None of this is going to be fun, it is sounding like Daddy has been planning this for a long time.  It has been two weeks since my last infraction and it was just a quick punishment.  He threatened if things did not get better we would be going to regular maintenance punishments three times a week.  And if that did not get the message across he will spank me every morning when I get up and every night before bed to keep me on the right path.  I am totally rethinking the rolling of my eyes and the smart ass remarks right now.  I do not know what comes over me.  In fact I try to tell him that as he gets started.
Daddy decides that we are going to break the list in half to start with and then break and lil slut can act like the nasty little whore that Daddy has come to enjoy. 
So Daddy pulls his little slut over his lap, puts his leg over hers tells lil slut to keep her hands on the floor, and keep still.  I puts all of the implements in some sort of order that lil slut can no longer see because her hair is in her face which is down turned and looking at the floor.
Daddy reads the first of the infractions, and says that he is going to give 5 hand spanks to get this party started but then he will go on from there with the different implements.  He makes his little girl count out every spank, and asks her to recite why it is so important for Daddy to have these rules for her in between each infraction and by the time the forth implement was used, lil slut could no longer think about anything but how to make her Daddy happy, she stopped concentrating on which implement was used and stopped wiggling around and just focused on him. She even forgot about the deep vibration of the plug that she felt every time that he came in contact with a heavier implement and her ass.   When it was over he held her and told her that she is forgiven for her infraction so far and expects that she will have learned so that they can avoid this in the future. 
Lil slut is then told to get on her knees in front of him and to take off her clothes for him and then to start sucking his cock.  Lil slut does as she is told and she puts her hand under his balls and begins to roll them around in her hand while she sucks his cock.  First she puts it all the way back to the back of her throat, and then out again to focus for a few seconds on the head.  Then back to the back of her throat ever so diligent about keeping her teeth from grazing his tender cock.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Wearing His plug

Its been a long time since this has been required of me but....
It is appealing for me to wear His plug…He chose it, and it was a gift from Him.  

During the day, at night or in public, the basic reason seems to be the same:  To feel His control, to know that I am wearing it for Him because He wants it and He likes knowing I am wearing it.  No matter where He is while I am wearing it,  I feel closer to Him.  

In a public setting it creates this secret we know but others don’t, however my head plays games and it still thinks they might.  This in my case makes me blush a little every time I think about it.  

At night as I sleep (try to sleep) I love that I wake up and remember that I am wearing it, again because He wants it and gets pleasure in the fact that I am doing it just for Him.