Catching my Breath, Catching my Reflection and Ending the year....

I am so embarrassed, I open my blog for the first time in a very long time and it opens up to Flash fiction...Daddy's little whore.   Wow!  So time for a catch up on a whole "lotta Nuttin Much" and yet a lot had kinda happened.

 Merry Christmas and Happy New year!  

I do not know where to start.  It feels like no better time than the present to recap and end the year reflecting and hoping for clarity in the coming year.
I first want to say thank you for all of the people I follow in Blogland for sharing and caring and for my few who follow me.  It is a comfort to know that I am not alone in what I call the Abyss.  

So to begin with My blog is just over a year old!  Wow!
It started out with a simple post: December 12, 2014

Restless, anxious, and needy.
I have been looking at other's blogs, I am so envious about the things I am reading, I have an ache for that missing something.

I then expressed much more ups and downs, hopes and disappointments and continued to share from others and myself.  As I reflect I have gone back to look at things and I chose to read the following because a friend of mine read that and said he related to it.  So I thought I would re-read and see what do I relate to if anything from that post.

Clear as Mud:  Flatline

Does it matter if we don't fit under any title like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc? Do we have to be titled/labeled? If the answer is no, then why do I keep thinking about it?
Does it matter that I'm not getting punished? If things are better than what they were, does any of this post matter?
Is this me not being grateful? I don't want to be the person who is never happy, who constantly complains about something - anything - everything! I am happy. I'm a happy person. Maybe I'm just tired, tired of thinking and analyzing.

In my case I think the whole article still stands and rings true and I suppose I would have to rework it a little to describe where I am now.  This is what I think I could say instead:

 Does it matter if I have not found the right person to help label what I am looking for like DD, D/s, ttwd, etc?  Do I still need this title or label or person at all?  Why do I still think about it, what does it matter if it does not or will not happen? Am I not grateful for what it is I do have?   I do not want to be the person always searching, and who is never happy, complaining about something, anything and everything.  I am happy.  I'm a happy person.  I am tired of thinking, hoping and analyzing.

And the A to Z challenge!  That was quite the challenge but speaks so much about who I am.  I definitely look forward to participating again this next year.

And even though I can still say I am "Direction-ally Challenged- (no map will do)" I have to say that along the way this year I have learned much about myself.  I have been hurt by some of it.

My First play marked a very definite risk that I chose to take and although it was a pleasant experience for me at the time, it was the last time that I had physical contact and he ended our contact shortly after that with a "I do not think I can meet your needs."   Let me just say this was not a surprise, it took him weeks to respond to my texts and attempts to chat and early on he made it clear that we were "play partners".   I thought that I could just live with that and actually thought it was working but he did not.  He lives alone and does not have a life partner there may be a reason for that.   It must be how he wants it.   What I learned, I need the more than play partner, I am not looking for a life partner, I have one.  It is still more than the barbie doll interaction that I experienced I think it is not realistic to just put me on a shelf and bring me out to play once in a while.  I want that daily or weekly interaction.  All explained in my post titled Still learning what it is I am looking for:

Yes,  I am still learning what it is I am looking for.
I am thinking that I cannot just be a play partner...I need the more, the daily expectations and specific abc 's of D that go with everyday life of a sub.  I realize that it is not just getting spanked or having kinky play that I am looking for, I need the meaning, and substance behind the actions.
....I need the daily calls or check-in asking did you do ABC?  Why not?  or Good Girl.  Tell me how did you do with ---  by the way you have until --- to do --- and send me --- to prove it is done.
I do not want to feel like I am a bother, rather I want to feel like He gets satisfaction out of seeing me excel in everything that I do.  That this is something that He wants not just like He is doing me a favor.
I realize that it takes time, dedication, imagination, and a commitment, but that is what is being asked of me....isn't it?
I am not able to be with Him all the time,  it is important to be able to just know He is there, and that He is in control no matter how long it has been since we were last together, no matter when the next time will be.
I need the protocol to be about what He feels I need based on the things that are important to me.
Serving Him in a way that also serves me in the process.

And then there are others that I have spent a significant amount of time with, getting to know and being vulnerable to,  all for it not to work, for some reason or other.  I have heard from all types and ages and believe me the 30 year olds who just want to experience someone with experience sounds good....but only for one thing.  I need the Dom not the quick delivery service.     I have learned not to get physical because that really does mean something, but emotionally it is still very difficult to go through the same line of questioning, open up, be vulnerable, send pictures as requested, perform tasks and send proof you did it to find out that this is a quest that may not be worth it.  this is what seems like a game to others but very real to me.  

 Yes I know some of this is new information, I have not blogged about my every move in this quest and perhaps in part because I feel stupid but also because I doubt the significance of my blog at times.  I know that sometimes I think that if I just focus elsewhere and stop putting so much emphasis on this maybe it will go away?  

 I get some feedback or comments which are very helpful.  So I look back from the beginning, and now I have to ask myself, where do I go from here?  Do I answer more questions, and try try again, and seek solace in my blog-land friends?  Do I turn my back on what I have identified as a missing link to feeling safe and steady......is there still a storm lying within lying and waiting and slowly brewing inside.  If so do I dare to let it build up its mighty powerful wrath?  Or is this just the same Abyss that I have come to know?  

Waiting..... I am getting really good at it.
Not really.  (Better but not good)
It does not matter the type of messages I send, filled with seduction, or  plain vanilla. (maybe too much vanilla)
Constantly looking at my phone, or check my email in case I missed something.
I still just wait.
It is required, because I know so little of you. (not sure you really exist)
It's like some invisible life line, I have been looking for one for a little while.
Like I am floating in the water and I reach for the line, the one you threw out... (maybe its imagined) but it slowly drifts out of my reach.
I just need some structure to this.
I need not let this fall deep into the abyss.  (Maybe I am already there) 

Love to everyone who is following and to those that are new! 
See you all in the New Year!~ Needy T 

Flash Fiction: Daddy's lil whore PART 2

Daddy’s lil whore- Part Two

Daddy is still training his lil slut and so it is with a great amount of thought that he will proceed with her when he is using her to serve him.   Daddy tells his little girl that he wants to fill all of her holes so that she knows that they belong to him.  Daddy tells his lil slut to go upstairs to the bedroom and stand by the bed and wait for him. 

When daddy comes in the room his lil slut is waiting for him with her head down, legs spread and hands behind her back.  Daddy has her take the plug out and put it in the washroom and clean up.           

Daddy then tells her to get up on the bed face down and ass in the air.  Daddy has his lil slut spread her ass cheeks and he looks at his property.  He likes what he sees.  He asks his lil slut if she wants Daddy to come inside her ass tonight and she states that she wants him to cum where he wants.  Daddy asks his little slut if she likes it when he cums deep in her ass and lil slut replies I love it when you cum in my ass and use me like a whore Daddy.    Daddy takes out two vibrators, one is fairly large and the other is medium.  He tells his lil slut that we are going to play a game.  Daddy then says that he is going to put one vibe in her ass and one in her pussy.  Her job is to keep them in both while he fucks her face. 

If she drops either out of her ass or her pussy he uses the brush to spank her 25 times.  Lil slut knows this is a setup and that she is going to have some remarkable bruises tomorrow.  The brush is the one thing that lil hates more than anything and she knows that the more she gets turned on, the wetter she will be because she is a huge whore that cannot keep from lusting after cock.  Especially her Daddy’s cock. 

Daddy put the first vibe in her pussy, it was of course the larger of the two and it fit fairly snug.  She closed her legs and clenched really hard so that she would not drop it.  Daddy then put the other vibe in her ass, and it took a lot of concentration for lil to keep the one in her pussy to stay.  Lil was getting excited, and she felt that this was definitely a temporary situation.  Lil Slut then brought her head up and arms out so that she could be ready to receive her Daddy’s cock in her mouth.

Daddy took a hold of her pony tails and started to rhythmically move in and out without a problem.  Lil continued to concentrate on keeping both holes filled and she got to a place where she felt like she had control.  But then Daddy started to get very aggressive with his cock in her mouth and she her concentration was going back and forth from keeping things where they were and breathing through the heavy pounding she was getting in her mouth and at the back of her throat.  She was trying to not bite Sir because this was something that had been drilled into her head but it was so difficult to make that happen.  She felt her pussy getting wetter and wetter, the saliva from her mouth was running down her face, and her ass was starting to throb with the fullness.  Lil Slut was having a hard time, she felt like she might even orgasm which she did not have permission to do.   Lil slut was losing control and Daddy was making good use of his lil whores mouth. 

Lil slut could not tell him that she was losing it, she could not explain how hard she was trying.  She was a whore and there was no excuse for disappointing Daddy.   And with that thought the vibe in her pussy shot out onto the bed and lil slut started to cry.  

Daddy tells his lil slut it is okay, that she will pay the price and it will be over and she can go back to  playing his whore after. 

She is mortified that he is going to be using the hair brush on her, she hates the hair brush and she knows that this is why he chooses to use it.  It is to send a clear message to her about who is in charge and how he is the only one to make these choices. 

Daddy tells his lil slut to put her face back down to the pillow, and to put her hands back and grab her ankles.  Daddy then ties her hands in place and puts a strap around her knees to keep them in place as well.  Daddy thinks of everything.  Daddy explains that this is to help her so that she does not get into trouble not keeping in place. 

Daddy makes good on his promise of 25 spanks with the brush and Lil slut squirms against her bonds and cries out several times.  She earns a couple extra for swearing but Daddy does not make her start over.  Daddy is very merciful at times and Lil Slut is reminded of this often.   When Daddy is done he  sits back and admires his lil sluts ass, all nice and rosie.  He gently strokes her hot ass cheeks and feels the welts that have gathered.  He then asks his lil slut where Daddy should cum and she answers where ever he desires. 

Daddy wastes no time plunging his hard cock in her ass and within minutes he is pumping and cumming inside her deep in her ass.  Daddy then takes off her binds and tells her that he will be expecting her cleaned up and ready for her other punishments in 15 minutes down stairs where it all began. 

 

 

 

 

Flash Fiction: Daddy's lil whore- PART 1

Daddy’s Little Whore- Part one

Daddy has decided that he is really horny and he has asked his little slut to take care of his needs and to go above and beyond the usual.   She has 30 minutes to prepare herself and come up with a plan to entertain her Daddy and is warned not to disappoint him. 

Lil Girl goes upstairs to get ready and she jumps in the shower and shaves her underarms,  and legs.  Her pussy has been recently waxed but she makes sure it is clean so that Daddy can inspect his lil slut and see that she is being well taken care of.  She then gets out of the shower and oils her pussy and lotions the rest of her body so that she is nice and soft.  First of all Lil Slut decides to have a little fun with Daddy and plan to dress up for him.  She finds herself a matching bra and panty with little bows on it, and she puts her hair up in Pig tails.  She knows her Daddy likes it when she wears pigtails and she matches the bows in her hair with the bows on her under garments. 

Then Lil Slut decides that she is going to bring Daddy his favorite paddle with the little heart cut out along with her punishment list before she is asked because she knows that Daddy likes to clear up any naughty business before playing with his lil slut.  Lil Slut sits at her Daddy’s feet with her legs spread, chest out, ass sitting back on her heels.  She has one hand behind her head and is attempting to hand her Daddy the list and the paddle.  He takes is and asks his little slut what presents she has brought him.  Lil slut explains that she has been a very bad girl and wishes to acknowledge that she needs to do better and that she is ready to receive her punishment in order to not have negativity come between them.

Daddy orders his lil girl to stand in the corner with both hands behind her head , legs spread and knees leaning against the wall with her torso  away from the wall while he reads over the list of punishments.  He also hands her the new plug that he bought for such an occasion and tells her to get it in her ass so that she can wear it for her spanking.    Lil Girl is concerned about the size of the new plug and the fact that she has no lubrication to put it in with.  Lil girl decides that she needs to work quickly because the slightest hesitation could cause Daddy disappointment and in that will most definitely cause more punishment for lil slut.  She pulls down her panties and before sticking the plug in her ass she puts it in her mouth to try and moisten it up enough to help ease it into her tight ass.  Lil girl then turns around so that Daddy can see her and she bends over and places the largest plug she has ever had in her ass while Daddy piers over the list in his hand and then comments that she needs to pull up those panties and get to the corner.

Lil slut is going over in her head what is written on the paper and what comes to mind is that she has been disrespectful, talked back, forgot to ask for permission for many things, did not report many things and touched herself without permission from her Daddy.  She got pulled over for speeding, she left her phone at home and he was not able to get in touch with her for over 3 hours.  All things that he has punished her for before, but she somehow just keeps forgetting.   Daddy always says he does not like to repeat himself.  Lil slut is very worried that he will punish her worse than ever before.  Daddy just does not know what it is like to be a lil slut. 

Daddy calls his lil slut over to him and begins by telling her that he loves and cares deeply for his little girl.  He stated that he has the rules in place to protect her, to keep her safe and to help her be a better person and to show others what a good girl she can be.  When she is not following the rules she is showing him great disrespect and he cannot have that.  Daddy decides that he will spank his little slut for the incidences listed but he is going to do something different.  He is going to give 10 spanks for each one with a different implement for each one.  He gives his lil slut 8 minutes to go upstairs and bring back 9 more implements for the eight things on his list.  He does not want to have to send her back if he is not happy with the implements she has chosen.  This way he has more than enough to choose from.  He also tells her that she will sleep in the corner tonight on her dog bed and she will have no pillow just a sheet and no clothes.  She will also wear her collar and be tethered to the corner eye bolt. 

Lil slut does what she is told, she is afraid to choose the implements but knows that 8 minutes is not long and she does not stop to think on any one item long.  Lil slut picks up a dragon tail, a rope flogger, leather flogger, large round leather paddle, wooden paddle, bamboo salad spoon with slots,  back scratcher and his favorite old standby leather belt.   None of this is going to be fun, it is sounding like Daddy has been planning this for a long time.  It has been two weeks since my last infraction and it was just a quick punishment.  He threatened if things did not get better we would be going to regular maintenance punishments three times a week.  And if that did not get the message across he will spank me every morning when I get up and every night before bed to keep me on the right path.  I am totally rethinking the rolling of my eyes and the smart ass remarks right now.  I do not know what comes over me.  In fact I try to tell him that as he gets started.

Daddy decides that we are going to break the list in half to start with and then break and lil slut can act like the nasty little whore that Daddy has come to enjoy. 

So Daddy pulls his little slut over his lap, puts his leg over hers tells lil slut to keep her hands on the floor, and keep still.  I puts all of the implements in some sort of order that lil slut can no longer see because her hair is in her face which is down turned and looking at the floor.

Daddy reads the first of the infractions, and says that he is going to give 5 hand spanks to get this party started but then he will go on from there with the different implements.  He makes his little girl count out every spank, and asks her to recite why it is so important for Daddy to have these rules for her in between each infraction and by the time the forth implement was used, lil slut could no longer think about anything but how to make her Daddy happy, she stopped concentrating on which implement was used and stopped wiggling around and just focused on him. She even forgot about the deep vibration of the plug that she felt every time that he came in contact with a heavier implement and her ass.   When it was over he held her and told her that she is forgiven for her infraction so far and expects that she will have learned so that they can avoid this in the future. 

Lil slut is then told to get on her knees in front of him and to take off her clothes for him and then to start sucking his cock.  Lil slut does as she is told and she puts her hand under his balls and begins to roll them around in her hand while she sucks his cock.  First she puts it all the way back to the back of her throat, and then out again to focus for a few seconds on the head.  Then back to the back of her throat ever so diligent about keeping her teeth from grazing his tender cock.

 

 

 

 

Wearing His plug

Its been a long time since this has been required of me but....
It is appealing for me to wear His plug…He chose it, and it was a gift from Him.  

During the day, at night or in public, the basic reason seems to be the same:  To feel His control, to know that I am wearing it for Him because He wants it and He likes knowing I am wearing it.  No matter where He is while I am wearing it,  I feel closer to Him.  

In a public setting it creates this secret we know but others don’t, however my head plays games and it still thinks they might.  This in my case makes me blush a little every time I think about it.  

At night as I sleep (try to sleep) I love that I wake up and remember that I am wearing it, again because He wants it and gets pleasure in the fact that I am doing it just for Him. 

Discipline of a Naughty Irish Imp: His Touch

Discipline of a Naughty Irish Imp: His Touch:   10/11/2014 Oh how I love his touch. His hands both administer the pain I crave and deliver me from it. My Daddy has large, st...



I love this so much I needed to share.

BDMS Room 101

I was just cruising blogland and came upon something that interested me.

Tori from Pains Pleasure blogged about a Bdsm room 101 She asks others to write what they would put in there.

So room 101 anyone familiar with George Orwell's book Nineteen Eighty-Four will know what im referring to there is also a television program called Room 101, the idea being that people can choose 3 things which they would put into room 101 to be banished...it is in effect peoples worst nightmare...so i figure i need a bdsm room 101.

In answer to the question what 3 things would I put in BDSM room 101, never to come back?  I will include two things I have experience with and one thing that I am too scared to try.

1.   I do not like clover clamps, they are too pinchie!  I had to modify mine and still I have a hard time with them.  I tolerate adjustable nipple clamps much better but probably up til now I have done the adjusting....Does that even count?  muahhahaha...

2.  I would like to ban the hair brush....I really hate the hair brush...I do not know what makes the brush so different from any other implement that I have tried, which at this point is pretty limited,  but the hair brush is the worst.

3.  I am extremely afraid of electricity.  I would never want to play with Neon Wands, Violet Wands and TENS Units- I have a TENS unit for back pain but in no way am I open to placing that thing on my most intimate body parts.  

I found the following entry that another writer put in her BDSM room 101 and I thought it was interesting:

(For those who don't remember/know, the rule is this: Slave shall neither close nor cross her legs in Master's presence. Slave's legs shall be spread so that no part of the legs touch each other but may be commanded to increase of decrease this as desired by Master.)

This rule she wanted in her room but her Master vetoed it!  and since she brought it up she got punished for not following that rule regularly.  Oops!

Snip-its from others because they sometimes just say it best. 1

I love reading the blogs of others and over a period of time I have collected a few Snip-Its as I call them to share and added a comment or two to the mix. My words in purple...

June 13, 2014
Stella in "I Am Not" writes:

I am not a brat, though sometimes I act like one.
I push because I want you to be the one who doesn’t take it, the one who makes it past my defense mechanisms.
I am not a baby, but I melt when you call me baby.
It means you cherish me and want to take care of me. It means you will protect me.
I am not a Domme, but I act like one at work.
I am the boss, the one in charge, the one who sets the rules and makes the decisions.
I am a masochist, but I don’t like to be hurt.
I am glad you know the difference.
I am not a slave, though sometimes I act like one.
I like to serve you, to make you happy.
I give you control, but I don’t lose control.
In handing over control to you I am able to just relax and be me, to not worry about all the details.
I am not a pet, but you do own me.
Every orgasm, every part of me belongs to you.
I am not a slut, but I like it when you treat me like one.
I like when you make me do the things I am shy about but deep down really want to do.
I am a submissive, though I don’t always act like one.

 by StellaKink

Most of this just hits the nail on the head and I cannot even comment in a way that says it better.  

Naughty Irish Imp writes in her post:

"I truly love that he holds me accountable and punishes me when I fall short. His discipline is an anchor to me in my, at times, chaotic lil world. Having him always there to support me, to teach me, to discipline me......it means the world to me because it shows me every single day how much he cares for me."

This just kind of says it all.... I want a Daddy/Dom  of my own.    
http://naughtyirishimp.blogspot.com/2012/12/breaking-daddys-rules.html

Whiney Brat!

Lets see I am feeling a bit like a Whiney brat.    I am so in need of attention and by that I mean a good spanking I want to scream~

Please!  Please! Please!

I am tired of waiting!

Uhg!

Exactly my point!

Words from a fellow blogger that I follow "Happily Surrendered and Submissive.  "I am feeling like the life preserver is just out of reach right now and I am just getting tired." 
This is extremely close to how I feel on a regular basis, as I have expressed several times.
See http://needyt.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-abyss-deep-immeasurable-space-gulf.html
It describes the feeling of being just out of reach, unable to get to the much needed sanctuary of peace. 
It is hard to imagine in the vanilla world that we all operate in on a usual basis this need that we have for dominance, to have someone take control, and take away my choices, which we all know is our choice.
 It is such a new concept  for me.  If someone in my vanilla life tries to take my choices away I get pretty defiant and do what I damn well please.  So why is this so different?

First Play .....

Much has happened since my last blog....
I had a Birthday,  grateful to still be in my 40's, I begrudgingly got one year older. I also had a little bit of much needed play time right before.  It has taken me some time to write about this because I have had to do a lot of processing, and I have gone over this experience many times in my head in an effort to put it into the right words to describe the events and express what I was thinking as well as what I was feeling at the time.

So, I call to my "Phone a friend"/ "play partner" letting him know I  am close by......
He worked late, and I had been driving around for over an hour just about ready to go home.
"Door will be unlocked" I will be in the shower.
As I walk in I am reminded that I am suppose to follow the rules, rule number one in particular stands out. Rule #  1) Only sexy clothes in the house after verifying there is no one else home. This means you will at a minimum strip down to your panties and bra. Delays on this rule will earn double demerits. This did not go unnoticed by Master, but he does not say anything until I am over his knee.
I already have 5 demerits from previous smart mouthing and talking bad about myself.  Rule # 6) You must always remember how pleased Master is when you think of yourself as sexy and showing off your assets. No tolerance of self disparity will be allowed.
I look around put my purse down by the window.  Take off my shoes put them neatly by my purse and then try to figure out what I want to do with myself.  This is only the second time I have been in His house.  The first time I sat on the opposite couch and we did not touch until a quick hug as I am going out the door and when he gave a couple quick swats to my butt.  I was so nervous I did not even feel them it did not register until I got to my vehicle that he got those in.

So I decide to sit on the same couch to wait for him to come out of the shower. Fully dressed, and sitting on the small couch that I so safely sat on the first time I came into His home.   When he comes out into the dining area I notice he has His paddle tucked under his arm and says very casual hello.  He just asked what I wanted to do, I said that he did mention Adult Themed Scrabble, and that may be a good ice breaker.
He starts to tidy things up and we set up the board.  The the best of my ability I will recite some of the rules.

1. Only unarguable Adult Themed words on the board.
2. If you do not have an adult themed word you can exchange all or some of your tiles + one and you either take off an item of clothing or give the other person 20 points.
3. other than that normal scrabble rules apply.

If I loose its another Demerit.  Odds were totally against me winning!  At this point I couldn't think of any adult themed words outside of S E X.   But do I decline?  Hell no,  I agree to the rules, and we grab our tiles.  I have four items of clothing on and he has three, and he gave me 20 or 40 points for no reason.  Generous Confident Ass!

I actually held my own pretty well, I gave him a few points, but probably should have just chosen to take off my clothing since it was inevitable that this was going to happen.  As it is he was the first one to take off his shirt and that was the catalyst for me to be brave enough to take mine off the next time I was out of adult themed words.  Mind you there were plenty of options at times but no place to put them.  And when there was a place there was no word.  The other issue was that as in regular scrabble if you can make two word with your one word the other word also had to be adult themed.  WTF.  
I lost...Shocker right?  Not.

So that makes 6 Demerits plus the previous Extra hand spanks previously earned. Okay so I am still in my panties, and I am asked to "take them off and let me see how well you have shaved...
So I am not sure how or why this just seemed like such a reasonable request but it is like I am in another place in time where what is "normal" is just not necessary anymore.  ( this is not my normal) I am being touched like so many characters I read about in the stories that so thoroughly entertain me.  Like so many of my friends in blog land have described in many different ways.

I am not sure what all was said if anything, but then his direction, "Come stand over here, and bend over my lap."  He takes his time getting me comfortably planted across his lap.  Its weird the things that go through your head when you are face with a very new situation, that you have never experienced before.  Bent over, ass exposed, legs being pushed apart ass being pet.

D-"Are you ready?  What are you suppose to do?"
s- "count punishment spanks."
D-"What happens if you loose track?"
s-"we start over"
D-"That's right we start over for that set."
  Oh thank goodness, we do not start over from the beginning.
D-"Have you broken any rules today?"
  Oh shit....
s-"rule #1?"  He says nothing....Wew.

Round 1:  Hand spanks One side then the other, different spots each time a minute or two of rubs. Pause......Check in....Spread my legs which have been moving quite a bit....rub and probe my sweet spot, I assume just checking my excitement.
Paddle rub....one...two....three....four....five....six....seven....eight....nine....ten.
Hmmm, not so bad....I think this will be okay....

Round two:  start over
Hand spanks One side then the other, different spots each time a minute or two of rubs. Pause......Check in....Spread my legs which I cannot keep in any particular place, not sure if it hurts worse to clench my muscles or relax... I relax for a short time but...rub and probe my sweet spot, checking my excitement.
Paddle rub....one...two....three....four....five....six....seven....eight....nine....ten.

Round three, Round four... same but a little harder to concentrate on counting.

Round Five:
D- "How many?"
s-  four?
D- "Four?"
s- "Five?"
Hand spanks One side then the other, different spots each time a minute or two of rubs. Pause......Check in....Spread my legs... I like it when he adjusts my legs, to rub and probe gauging my excitement.
Paddle rub....one...two....three....four....five....six....seven....eight....nine....ten.

Round Six:
Same as before, but I have noticed, that I am counting through clenched teeth.  Its a good thing I am done....with my demerits.
D- "are you ready to feed the dragon?"   I could not express then or now just how ready I was.
I am lead to his room.

D- "get on your knees and take off my shorts."
Biggest most beautiful balls I have ever seen. The room was dark, so I could only see their silhouette as I was on my knees taking off his shorts, the light coming from the door behind him.  It was very impressive.....

Still learning what I am looking for....

Yes,  I am still learning what it is I am looking for.
I am thinking that I cannot just be a play partner...I need the more, the daily expectations and specific abc 's of D that go with everyday life of a sub.  I realize that it is not just getting spanked or having kinky play that I am looking for, I need the meaning, and substance behind the actions.
....I need the daily calls or check-in asking did you do ABC?  Why not?  or Good Girl.  Tell me how did you do with ---  by the way you have until --- to do --- and send me --- to prove it is done.
I do not want to feel like I am a bother, rather I want to feel like He gets satisfaction out of seeing me excel in everything that I do.  That this is something that He wants not just like He is doing me a favor.
I realize that it takes time, dedication, imagination, and a commitment, but that is what is being asked of me....isn't it?
I am not able to be with Him all the time,  it is important to be able to just know He is there, and that He is in control no matter how long it has been since we were last together, no matter when the next time will be.
I need the protocol to be about what He feels I need based on the things that are important to me.
Serving Him in a way that also serves me in the process.

What I am afraid of......

I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid that if I start something with you beyond where we are, I will never want to stop.
I am afraid that once it goes that far that I cannot take it back.
I am afraid of being naked in front of you.
I am afraid of unrealistic expectation that would eventually turn into a hell all of its own.
I am afraid of knowing what I do not know.
I am afraid of turning fantasy into a reality and then when it ends I will know what I am missing.  As long as it is just fantasy I really don't know exactly "what" I am missing, only that I a missing "something."
I am afraid of being a disappointment to you, not meeting your expectations.
I am afraid that underneath all of "this" there is a real person with real feelings and insecurities.
I am afraid of the guilt.

Gone out of reach....Humph!

So I am really bothered by the fact that my phone a friend/ potential Master is off on vacation and "out of cell service".  So I asked for a task to help me feel "connected" and prevent me from getting "weirdly insecure."  I know, I know I am sounding stupid, we have no commitment to each other but we do have some sort of contact most every day.  Chatting about various things, some smut some just plain ole daily happenings.
His response was the following:
  "Each day you will take a picture in your panties and each day you will include more of your body in the photo.  Also each day you will tell me a reason why you deserve 10 extra hand spanks."
My response: Thank you!
My text this morning: I deserve 10 extra hand spanks because I deleted ten other pictures before settling on this one.

Independence Day Surprise!

Just when I think things are going stale in the bedroom HB comes out with all kinds of Kinky Fuckery this morning.  I woke up to being tied, spanked, kissed, flogged, left, and then fucked.  When it was over he let freedom ring!  Happy 4th of July!

Weird!

For some reason my pictures in all of my posts, disappeared.
I have attempted to restore them but in some cases could not remember or find the picture I originally used.  Too weird.

I Saw this and had to write about it.....

Act Bad- There is acting bad as in "naughty girl stuff" which is kind of the basis of TTWD or in my case TTIWID (the things I wish I did) then there is acting badly.  I can sometimes unintentionally become "full of piss and vinegar" which inevitably  leads me to react before I think first.  It is not unusual for me too feel bad about my behavior, especially if I know that I have hurt someone with my words, or actions.     I often will catch it as it is coming out and then laugh at myself about how ridiculous I sounded and apologize on the spot which helps the situation especially with people who know that is not how I usually behave or at least not how I mean to behave.  This is where I welcome being called out and accountable. This is where I could use some proper motivation to think before I act and not be so impulsive or selfish with my actions.  Spank! Spank!

Look Sexy- Feeling sexy some what more likely, but accepting that I look sexy in anyway is difficult to buy.  One of the rules that my potential play partner has is "You must always remember how pleased Master is when you think of yourself as sexy and showing off your assets. No tolerance of self disparity will be allowed." This is a rule that will most definitely get me into trouble until I am able to change my self image issues.  Feeling sexy comes easier because when I take the physical appearance out of the equation it becomes more about attitude.  Being sexy, feeling sexy, feeding off other peoples reactions, and trusting that what others see in me is different than what I see.   Not everyone can look like the beautiful woman in the picture above, but they can feel like her.

Talk Dirty- I have a hard time verbally expressing sexual things.  I am very careful and it takes a lot of work to express it in my writing.  It has been easier to write it for like minded people but I have never been one to talk openly about sex prior to this.  But when I hear it, I have a very pleasant physical reaction.  My "girlie parts" get all excited.  Talk dirty to me!

Six month update......

I wrote this as my very first post just about 6 months ago.

Saturday, December 14, 2013
Restless, anxious, and needy.
I have been looking at other's blogs, I am so envious about the things I am reading, I have an ache for that missing something.

Nothing has really changed.  When I look at my other posts they pretty much say the same things only in a different way.  

I am no closer to getting the things I need than I was before. 

I don't like to be a whiner.  It is so great reading others stories, and so many of them start out the same way as I and have made progress.  Some in their primary relationships and others outside of them.  Believe me I have thought of all of the options I just have been unable to move in either direction.   

I have enjoyed outside conversations with a particular person and those conversations have been really exciting and very enticing  in many ways.  Without a doubt this person could provide me with a big piece of what I am looking for.  I also have to say it has been nice to think that he sees me as desirable to him. ( I have a hard time believing it which makes it difficult to write).   I do not have the confidence and it is hard to trust others words but there has been enough "adult talk" and flirting to make me suspect that he could/would fulfill many of my desires.

There is a reason there are 2,404 members on the group "BDSM outside the Marriage" on Fet.  Just saying.

I follow a couple of people that have both relationships at home and abroad so to speak but they all know about each other.  That would not fly here in my situation.
It is hard to explain just how "this" is not about that part of me.  I have invited him to explore that part and he has a little bit, but it truly is not him.   I do not love him less because of it, but he would love me less for saying that it is just not enough.   A couple playful cracks on the ass is not doing it.

There has been no rush or push to change things for now, but it does not mean I do not contemplate further action.  I look forward to the messages and the conversations everyday, both vanilla talk and hot sexy talk.

I remember a great lesson I learned about being lost in the woods.  Just sit down and don't move.  That may be what I need to do for now.

Direction-ally Challenged- (no map will do)

So it is no secret that Needy T is derived from my email address needyforinstruction@gmail.com and my first initial. I am not needy and desperate, or even as Webster Dictionary suggests poverty stricken or marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support, emotionally needy. OKAY SO MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF THE LATTER.

Most importantly, back to my original thought, I have been needy for instruction, direction, and proper motivation to be better, do better and feel better.

I am what I would call direction-ally challenged.....

Words of encouragement.

I can sooo relate to the following:
"Baby. Baby girl. Baby doll. Pet. Sweet Pet. I like these words. When you call me baby or pet I feel safe and taken care of.......... It means you will protect me and keep me safe, just like parents do with their babies and owners do with their pets...........

The way I feel when you call me your good girl, now that’s a very good thing. It’s similar to baby and pet but much, much better. My panties get wet just thinking about it. When you call me good girl I know I’ve pleased you, I know you are proud of me, I know I am yours."

These are not my words and in fact I cannot remember where I got them.

I am sure they are someone that I follow regularly.  So if you recognize them feel free to let me know and I will credit you appropriately.

Things Can Certainly go Either Way.

We talk a lot about spanking and punishment but one of the things I find interesting is that we do not talk as much about the reward side of the D/s dynamic.  Perhaps we don't talk about it because the praise that we get doesn't excite us in the way that a good spanking scene does.  However I think that praise and reward can be administered with the same hot result.

Punishment definitely has a large role to play in the D/s relationship but I think that the goal of the punishment is to elicit a positive outcome which I should hope in turn elicits praise or reward.  After all we all want to please our Doms/Masters/Sirs, don't we?

I know that for me I find myself exploring ways to please HB to the point of distraction several times throughout the day in hopes of hearing things like "good girl".  When I do not get this I turn into a brat.  I start getting "snarky" and  I attempt to "poke a stick at the bear so to speak" to get some sort of reaction.  For me it is true that negative attention is better than no attention.  Unfortunately with HB he is not easily enticed and too passive to actually punish me so I get away with this bratty behavior leaving me even more irritated and frustrated.  It is a crazy vicious cycle.

I need balance, I need someone who takes the time to notice the good things and address the negative before it gets to a point that I am antagonistic.  Once it gets to the point where I am looking for trouble I need him to initiate a punishment that will motivate me to avoid those behaviors.

I am asked by a friend that I chat with regularly why didn't I do or not do something that I know I should do and my answer is usually "because I lack the proper motivation".  Pretty simple.....

Uhg!

The Taming of the Shrew: A Good Dom

I really enjoyed reading this and needed to share!  Thanks!



The Taming of the Shrew: A Good Dom: I'm really wanting to get back into blogging. I want to get back into writing! I miss it. I have a list of things I want to write about,...

Waiting for a Great Storm.

   I am struggling with so much lately... Ups an downs, depression, frustration, irritation and agitation.  So much so that I am just at a loss for how to manage it.  I am so full of piss and vinegar that I cannot real it in.

   I have been waiting so long for a great storm.   I just need a storm to come in with its magnificent power.  To create the kind of chaos that ends up in a calmness and peace.  Insane but when you think of a storm as a form of cleansing, where the loose branches fall,  the dead leaves blow away, the strong and sturdy trees remain rooted and standing tall.  After the storm and clean up what is left is peaceful and beautiful.  A gift of Gratitude left in its wake.  Grateful for what was not lost.  Grateful for the simplicity of what life has to offer.  Grateful that the storm is over and that you survived its furry and came out better for it.

   My storm is brewing inside me.  Disrupting my concentration, intruding on my thoughts, disturbing my sleep.    Its stirring up everywhere I go, creating messes, and kicking up dust.

Just plain ole funny shit!

I have a long way to go to get to Subville!

Reality sucks, this needs to be my mantra!

Oh Gosh I hope so!

The Abyss- a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity.

Waiting..... I am getting really good at it.

Not really.

It does not matter the type of messages I send, filled with seduction, or  plain vanilla. 

Constantly looking at my phone, or check my email in case I missed something.

I still just wait. 

It is required because I know so little of you. 

It's like some invisible life line, I have been looking for one for a little while.

Like I am floating in the water and I reach for the line, the one you threw out... but it slowly drifts out of my reach.

I just need some structure to this.

I need not let this fall deep into the abyss.  

A to Z Challenge the finishing post! Z is for Zero Panties in the Garden!

In light of the A to Z challenge I thought I should attempt to catch up and add to my post every day...So I have decided to post about my frisky personality....I will be adding to the new letter but as I think of previous letters I will add to my list.  However I will not add to the new letters until the appropriate day.

A is for Artistic- I could not survive life without my Artistic capabilities.  

               Attention- I like to get a fair Amount of Attention.

B is for Bratty- I have a tendency to be Bratty sometimes when I need some attention or I am frustrated with some unforeseen disappointment.  I do not always react well to frustration.   

C is for Caring- I have a very big heart and Care about everyone I interact with.

              Complicated- There are many layers to the real me.

D is for Driven- I am very Driven sometimes without Direction but because of my need to be more I continue to try and get somewhere.  

               Direct- Sometimes too Direct for my own good.
               Discipline is totally lacking in my relationship with Home Boss.

E is for Exploring- It is one of the most consistent thing I have done my whole life. Exploring who or what I am and where I belong and fit in.
               Exposing- Exposing myself to others hoping for acceptance.

F is for Female- I am Female, I cry when I am hurt or mad, happy or sad.  I am emotional and yet strong.  I can rally courage and stand Firm when needed, I am soft and nurturing, I am definitely Female.
              Freedom- I love the Freedom to express myself even if cloaked by a blog. 

              Frisky- I am definitely Frisky and ready to play.
              Flogger- one of my Favorite toys.

G is for Grateful- I am grateful for the life I have, the children I have been blessed with and the people that have come and gone in my life.  I am grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am and the opportunity to turn them into positive things.
              Gardening- I am so grateful that I get to go out to the garden and get my hands dirty and prepare for the growing season! 

H is for Hopeful, Helpful and Honorable
               Hesitant- I am hesitant to post about sexual things or really personal things afraid that people will judge who I really am. So with that being said I have to say Horny as well.
               Home Boss- not sure how I could forget about him.

I is for Instruction- which is needed very much as evident by my inner brat that likes to come out.

J is for Juggling- It seems like I am always Juggling, time, money, and energy!

K is for Kilt- I am always interested in what is under a Kilt!
              Kept- I like the support and security of being Kept, safe Keeping.
              Kissing- It starts and sometimes ends with a Kiss!

L is for Lover- I am a Lover.
              Licking- need I say any more?

M is for Masturbation...now you have to know that I tried to get out of writing this, however when I asked HB to help me come up with an M word for my blog (that he does not read by the way) that is what he came up.  I told him I cannot even say it let alone write about it.  And the only thing I have to say about that is it took me 19 years and 5 months to do this in front of HB.  

N is for Needy- as my handle describes.  Needy is more than just wanting attention, it really is about Needing instruction or direction as my email reflects.  I am lacking in self discipline, I am late to work most days, I am a bit of a procrastinator, I am impulsive and I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of myself or others which results in my being frustrated or disappointed. (both of which I do Not always handle well)
It either shows itself up in the way of stress, body aches and pain, anxiety physical  and emotional illness or just plain ole disrespect and defiance.   At this point in my relationship I have expressed these things and attempted to get this Need met but it is a difficult concept to express and very difficult to get another person to understand.   I have shared blog posts, which have not always been read or gets lost in the shuffle, leaving me feeling like there is something wrong with me that I am asking for something so outrageous or like it is too much to ask.  

O is for Obstacles- there are many Obstacles that get in the way of who we want to be.  It can be difficult to remove all Obstacles and take time to reflect on how to bring out the best in yourself.  As a matter of fact it is easier short term to allow those Obstacles to get in the way of seeing where we need to make changes and challenge yourself to strive for better.  Long term it stifles growth.  

P is for Possibilities- the Possibilities are endless in this world of TTWD.
              Penis the best at Penetration. (two for one)
              Protection- I feel safe and Protected by HB.

Q is for Quiet- It is important to get Quiet sometimes to make time for reflection.  My mind is always racing, and sometimes seems to never turn off.   Quietly Questioning....

R is for Routine- funny thing about routine, it seems that it is too easy to fall into Routine and feel like something is missing but the other side to that coin is no Routine and then we feel amiss.  Routine can be both good and bad.  It seems that there are Routines, and Rules that need to be in place to keep things sane and Running smoothly.  And then there are Routines that begin to feel like Ruts we get stuck in.  The  Ruts of life can give us a feeling of comfort, familiarity, and it gives us a place to Re-align ourselves.  Routine gives us some form of order but most of us crave a little chaos to bring about order.    

S is for -4/07/2014 cannot wait to get to the S's- 07/26/2014 Oh my I have to Skip a day before we get to the S's since we don't post on Sunday in this Challenge.

S is for Submissive- I have always had this war going on inside of me that battles my willing Submissive with willful opposition.  It is just recently that I have recognized the  need to have Someone take control of this battle.   It is unfortunate that I am Still  Struggling with the who in this Scenario as my HB is not really comfortable with picking up this role outside of the bedroom.  It Seems that this is really pretty common though and I am hopeful that this will Somehow resolve itself with time and knowledge and communication.  
             Significant- It is my desire to be Significant to another.  I want to feel Significant in some way at all times. I want to know that the person who is in charge of meeting this need takes my best interest to heart. Showing me that what is best for me is Significant enough to take the time to hold me accountable for the agreements that have been made between us.  My desire is to be Significant enough for you to take notice, make a daily connection, communicate and take the time to See me.
             Sexual, Sensual and Sexy!  That is how I See myself when I am not looking in the mirror. 

T is for Tina- I know that is cheating.  I will have to Try to do better.
               Tuneup- Tina needs a Tuneup from Time To Time.
               Tension- Constant Tension building and building.  I feel it everywhere, my Jaw, neck, shoulders, and down my spine. 

U is for Understanding- It is a challenge right now to have full Understanding of the need for TTWD, or in my case The Things I Would Like to Do.  So if I have little understanding about what, when, how, and why I want or need these lifestyle changes.  So in is no wonder why I have a hard time getting someone else to fill the bill.    I have a hard time communicating these desires, so verbal communication is out.  So I rely on the writings of others and then add some of my own words.  Thanks to the blogs that I follow and the things that they so eloquently share I can better Understand more about myself, and attempt to share that with others.    

V is for Vulnerability- Even when we open up to others who seems to have an understanding we are vulnerable to others judgement and rejection.  I have limited experience with this I have only opened up to a couple of others, besides what people can read on my blog.  I feel like some of the little experience I have had with this has at times  left me wondering why I opened up to begin with.  I have had some positive interactions though and I suppose that is why I continue to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable.  I also realize that this is just the beginning and when I learn to accept myself fully then maybe others will also be able to.  

W is for What if- I woke up this morning with lots of What ifs.  I helped my best friend of 30 years move today, she is moving across the US and I thought What if I never see her again?  This was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time.  She has been my mentor, I met her right after I turned 17 and married my first husband.  She taught me how to be an independent, strong women.  She encouraged my artistic and creative self.   She also believed in my ability to be a mother far more than I believed in myself.  
Another What if came to mind at some point today.  What if I never find the Dominate relationship in my HB that I have been looking for?  What if I need to look elsewhere.  What are the options?  How do I keep true to me when my values contradict and conflict with my needs. 
What if?

X is for eXample-  I need an eXample to follow.  I need to live up to agreements and eXpectations.   I feel like I am aimlessly wandering sometimes.  I know that this sounds like a broken record but I see it as a flowing stream with the same elements at the beginning of the stream at as at the end.  This is how I know that what I feel I need is really true, it does not waiver, the elements may be arranged different throughout but they are still the same elements.  The same need for an eXample to follow.  The need to be reigned in.  

Y -  I had to consult the “Dictionary of Sexual Terms” for this one.  I could not get past Yes.   But in there I found the following that I thought was interesting.

 Yes-Girl:  A sexually obliging woman, one who seldom or never says 'no'.  Definitely!

YKINOK:  Internet shorthand on BDSM sites and newsgroups for Your Kink Is Not OK.   Interesting, something I did not know.

Yield one's favors:   Regarding Sexual intercourse.  Favors (granted, bestowed, lavished upon, yielded). 

I think that this is my favorite.  It describes how I want to be.  Granting my favors, as if it is a gift.  Yielding to another person that which is favored.   Yielding to another person takes a huge amount of trust, which is not easy for me personally.  Sometime when I do yield it does not take long before take it back. 

Bestowed and lavished upon seems so romantic doesn't it?  

Z is for Zero- as in it's a Zero panties in the Garden kind of day!  I could not wait to get home today, it has been so very nice out and I was looking forward to being free from the clothes that I wore to work and changing into a skirt and light summer blouse so that I could walk through the garden with no bra or panties on. 
                Totally free and un-inhibited....Freedom!   

Definition: Sub-Tease

Sub-Tease is usually a conversation or just a simple sentence that starts or ends with "if you were mine....", "If I owned you..." or "If you belonged to me" or something the like and usually follows up with some sort of threat of punishment due to some unapproved behavior.

For example:  I was talking about my daily task to a Dom in one of my chats.  He asked if I had performed my task that morning and his response was the following:  

Dom: That is not acceptable, Needy. You know it.

me: Yes but in my defense he had sex last night.

Dom: And your point is what?  It is not your decision, girl, if you perform the task or not. 

me: Well in a way it is....he finished up in a place I won't go afterward. 

(Now I am really embarrassed.")

Dom: Explain, Needy. 

me:  Omg....plain English...he came in my ass! (more embarrassment)

Dom: I see. Then you either wash off his cock before sucking him off or jerk him off, girl. Again, his decision not yours. 

me:  Way to watch out for him.

Dom: Watch your mouth, girl.   "if your were mine"   I wouldn't tolerate such. Rest assured if you didn't complete a task I gave without permission or a damn good reason then you'd be punished. 

So you see what I am talking about a sub-tease? Just the first couple words "Watch your mouth, girl"  gets a physical reaction that starts with my jaw and travels the length of my spine and ends at my "Girl-ie" parts.  My nipples get hard and I instantly get wet panties.  I have to squeeze my legs together in order to stop the sensations.  Hard to believe its just that easy.