So in my mind, I still see myself as thinner. Not necessarily as the thinnest I have ever been, I am not delusional. So when I look in the mirror, go clothes shopping or take pictures it is always disappointment that grabs a hold in my gut.
This is not new to me, it is not that I have only felt this way since I gained weight I have been struggling with body image my whole life. It began as a teenager when I was 98 lbs. soaking wet. It followed me into my first marriage re-enforced by my ex-husbands criticisms and through the birth of my children. Even though by no means was I considered large or overweight by any stretch of the imagination. I hated my bubble butt, flat chest(as a teen) and big feet, my brown eyes, my straight, flat brown hair, wow the list just goes on. Throughout all of the changes that my body went through to get here, I have continued to be the worst critic of all. Now I have larger breasts, just not exactly exactly where I want them to be, HB lovingly call them smart boobies because if you ask them where the floor is they point to it. My skin is darker, and getting thinner and starting to wrinkle, my big beautiful brown eyes (yes I at some point forgave myself for not having blue eyes) a little droopy on the edges, like everything else. I still have my big butt and big feet, (no way around that) but my stomach and my thighs are huge issues for me (also I suppose attributed to middle age).
The difficult thing to understand for me is that I have great appreciation for other women with the same body shapes and sizes. I see the beauty in them, I am able to see past the same flaws that I hold against myself. I see the beauty in older women, and it amazes me.
I have recently started to try to come to terms with all of these things, I feel sexy inside my head, and when I am in the bedroom alone (in the dark, without mirrors). I have been taking pictures of myself in different stages of undress and cropping pictures to accentuate better slices of my image because as a whole I do not see the same beauty in me that I see in others. At some point I would like to be able to share them but I am not there yet.