Almost over...only two days left.

So the A to Z Challenge has been a very useful and inspiring exercise.  I loved making the effort to share everyday and it is a bit sad that it is coming to an end!  Thank you to the others who shared and commented!  I hope that I will hear more from all of you soon!  It is my hope to come up with a Meme of my own.  I am not very good at this blogging stuff, not sure how to set certain things up but I am learning.

Body Imagination....

    So in my mind, I still see myself as thinner.  Not necessarily as the thinnest I have ever been, I am not delusional.  So when I look in the mirror,  go clothes shopping or take pictures it is always disappointment that grabs a hold in my gut.
This is not new to me, it is not that I have only felt this way since I gained weight  I have been struggling with body image my whole life.  It began as a teenager when I was 98 lbs. soaking wet.  It followed me into my first marriage re-enforced by my ex-husbands criticisms and through the birth of my children.  Even though by no means was I considered large or overweight by any stretch of the imagination.  I hated my bubble butt, flat chest(as a teen)  and big feet, my brown eyes, my straight, flat brown hair, wow the list just goes on.  Throughout all of the changes that my body went through to get here,  I have continued to be the worst critic of all.  Now I have larger breasts, just not exactly exactly where I want them to be,  HB lovingly call them smart boobies because if you ask them where the floor is they point to it. My skin is darker, and getting thinner and starting to wrinkle, my big beautiful brown eyes (yes I at some point forgave myself for not having blue eyes) a little droopy on the edges, like everything else.  I still have my big butt and big feet, (no way around that)  but my stomach and my thighs are huge issues for me (also I suppose attributed to middle age).

    The difficult thing to understand for me is that I have great appreciation for other women with the same body shapes and sizes.  I see the beauty in them, I am able to see past the same flaws that I hold against myself.   I see the beauty in older women, and it amazes me.

    I have recently started to try to come to terms with all of these things, I feel sexy inside my head, and when I am in the bedroom alone (in the dark, without mirrors).  I have been taking pictures of myself in different stages of undress and cropping pictures to accentuate better slices of my image because as a whole I do not see the same beauty in me that I see in others.  At some point I would like to be able to share them but I am not there yet.

 

None for you!

None for you, it is a popular phrase in my world.  HB says it all of the time, I think it is his way of making me think he is just depriving me but I suspect it is partially to give him a physical rest.  Either way it is not nice and it is very frustrating for sure.  I sort of make it a game to say yeah, we'll see about that.  Sometimes I am successful in getting what I want but more times than not it really is none for me.  
But this morning I got the No Sex for you....I have plans for later....  Now that is something I do not ever hear.... Giggle Giggle.

Can He be what she needs....

He sounds just like what she needs.
He is direct, He is perceptive, He is quick to call things out.

He is what seems fitting,  He sees her like she is, He knows if He gives an inch she will take a mile.

He has limits, He is distant,  His time is not His own....

...her thought is can this stay the way it is or does she have to make the next step?

...she needs immediate attention, she has very little control, can she allow Him to begin?  He sounds like what she needs....then his wife finds him out and about and calls her pet home.

   It is so easy to just close my eyes and just feel your touch and see how my body responds.  The way my body lengthens, my head falls back, my breath catches, back arches and my chest rises.   Just your touch, your closeness, your steady breathing my body responds.

First daily task....

 So I have decided to call my Dom the Home Boss since he only sort of fits the definition of dominant.  He has attempted to be the disciplinarian but frankly he is pretty bashful with it.  However that is not to say that I don't feel the need to submit, I just get away with a lot more than I should....But that is different post all together.

So Home Boss gave me a daily task about two months ago at my request because I just felt like we were not connecting, I was not feeling "subbish" enough for my liking.  So one night before bed he says I would like you to wake up and give me head in the morning.  Of course I kind of laugh it off and say okay honey.....
Morning came and guess what,  I knew what I was suppose to do but something inside of me would not allow me to do it.  I was waiting for something....  I could tell that he was waiting but he did not say a word about it for a long time.  So this is what I mean by he sort of fits the definition of dominant.  Instead of taking action he gets miffed and says something resembling  "I asked only one thing of you and you cannot do it.....How can I give you a daily task when you cannot do what I ask.....Then he basically dismissed me, which I cannot stand, and tells me to get ready for work.  I am sure I ended up in tears in the shower.  I tried to explain that I knew what I was supposed to do but something just held me back, like I needed something else to happen.  He did not want my excuses.

Believe me when I tell you I felt off the whole day!  It really disturbed me that he was upset with me.  I hate it when he is passive aggressive I would prefer to get the business and get it over with.
So I did go to work and had a miserable day.

As the evening came to a close and we were sitting watching television  I told him I was sorry and that I would try to do better but I really needed him to tell me not ask me sometimes. I told him if you make it sound like it is optional, then in my bratty brain it is optional.  I will push the envelope every time.   So his response was every day from here out your daily task will be to wake up and give me head without being asked.   So my daily task has happened about 97% of the time since then with the only time I did not do it he told me not to because I was not feeling well.  

Shopping trip.....

I went shopping today and everything is mix and match!  Nice!  So excited to wear sexy and new!  It's the little things in life sometimes that makes me happy.